Public Restrooms: The Real Enemy (Part I)

What a hysteria-filled week it has been for everyone. I cannot believe the current situation we are all facing today — and what could be the next 8 or so weeks. Although I have a lot on my mind regarding COVID-19, I don’t think any more attention or hype about it will necessarily help the situation. Instead of expressing those thoughts –which don’t worry, I will save them for another rainy day–I want to try to distract my readers and talk about the real enemy of the world. Public Restrooms.

Now, if you are a detail oriented person, you may have noticed the title of this entry claims it is ‘Part I.’ Labeling something as ‘Part I’ tends to convince the reader that this could be the beginning of a series (something amazing). Your assumptions are correct. But how can one rant about public restrooms multiple times? Well, believe me, I can. If you don’t think I can, you don’t know me very well and clearly you have never been in a public restroom.

While there are many details I plan to visit in the next few entries, today’s detail of choice cuts straight to the toilet. What a miraculous piece of porcelain. If you are a hoverer* in public restrooms, then please discontinue reading as this will no longer pertain you and your advanced level of thinking. If you are uncomfortable with “bathroom talk” or uncomfortable just acknowleding day-to-day experiences, this would be the point you stop reading as well. It will not get any better. For every other soul still reading, thank you for accepting me.

Let’s talk about how the toilet seat creaks when you sit on it. 

opened toilet

First of all, if you start to walk into a bathroom like the one pictured to the left, TURN AROUND AND NEVER RETURN.


I don’t care if you use the seat covers (which, how do THOSE protect you?), or not. No matter where you are, or what stall you choose, the toilet seat is guaranteed to let out some form of a screeching noise. This allows you to know that you have made the toilet uncomfortable. Forget the part of you being naked from the waist down in a public place. Forget the part that multiple people have used that facility before. In that moment, the TOILET is letting YOU know that YOU have made it uncomfortable.

No one enjoys hearing any object groan while it tries to support their weight – i.e. exercise balls, toilet seats, your significant other, a chair. Any form of groaning, screeching, creaking is a straight shot to the confidence. Some may compare it to a razor scooter to the ankle**.

Using a public restroom is an uncomfortable situation to begin with. Once you have committed to the idea that you can no longer ignore natures phone call, the last thing you want to hear is the public toilet groan in pain as you take a seat to do something you would rather do at home. Although these groans are unbearable and almost comedic, I am here to tell you that they are normal. No, it doesn’t say anything about you. Yes, the person in the stall next to you heard. No, they don’t care because their toilet will just screech right back. Don’t draw any attention to it and you will walk out of that public restroom with your head held high and more confidence than you’ve ever had.

Okay, was that too ambitious? I guess what I was trying to say was, just ignore the toilet as everyone has experienced a weak toilet once or twice. You are beautiful, you are kind, and everyone poops. But also, toilets are gross and annoying when they groan.

Until our next bathroom talk,


*Hoverer: a person who doesn’t sit on the toilet in public restrooms. These people like to neglect the option to use the toilet seat covers, and tend to be brave souls — but also germaphobes. Basically a walking contradiction. 

**Razor Scooter to the ankle: a common term used by people 30 years old or younger for a horrible experience they had growing up. If you don’t understand, find someone 30 or younger and we can show you.

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